I'd be delighted, but I'm running out of life.

Lately, I think, a lot of us could use a little inspiration.

So I bought a bunch of movies tonight including one of my favorites, Underworld.
Eventually I will attain all three of the current movies and the future fourth (2011)
Anyway Kate Beckinsale is 119 lbs and 5' 8" with a BMI of 18.1 I think that makes her adequate thinspo, well she does it for me.

Haha.. Ha...

Mother: "Have you gained weight?"
Me: "Who, me?"
Mother: "Yeah you're face is looking fuller lately"
Dad: "Jesus, Dawn, Now she won't eat for the next month"
Me: "Oh, I dont care."
five minutes later I head up to my room and freak the fuck out.




WHAT? My own mother?
I have gained weight. I'm also bloated you fuck so leave me alone.


WELL, I'm not eating tomorrow and thats that. So fuck you. Fucking hell.
SHIT. How can i let myself be a fat cow.. what the hell.
Alright time for some inspiration.

The Time

Of the month.. Mine is now. It makes me feel supremely fat. I bloat just about everywhere. My legs and my tum mostly. Its sick.
I don't even want to talk about it. Going for a run with puppet.

sd;jkfa;lsjkdfl;ajksdf;'las fuck.

Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree, I Sold You and You Sold Me.

Hah. So this summer I am very excited because after my film camp I'm going with my family to spend three weeks in russia! YAY! I'm like 70% Russian. I only speak a little bit but i love the culture and the history. Anyway I want to go there thin. My plan is working well I'm down to 122 :D But yesterday wasn't a great day because at like 11 at night i had half of a blueberry bagel. What the hell? I'm not quitting my plan because eating only once a day in the middle of the day seems to do okay if i don't stay up late.

I have been doing some thinking though. I know, how productive of me :). Anyway, has anyone ever tried only eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're the least bit full? I think I might try this while I'm in Russia since i wont be able to just not eat while on vacation. Eating only when I'm literally physically hungry and not just craving or bored would be like.. really smart though. I think it would be healthier too, than just not eating or chewing and spitting which i want to stop doing..
Well I have to go out to lunch today with my father and mother to better discuss our plans for vacation. It will be difficult :| Not sure where we're going.


Just wanted to update you
-No Vuh. haha ?

I'd die in your arms if you were dead too.

Last night was hell at work. I had to work cash booth, where i take orders and money at drive thru. That fucking sucks. Plus you know i got paid, but it was only like 60 dollars because of how their system works. so my next paycheck should be like a lot. However i don't know when i get it because it's closing before the next wednesday. Whatever as long as i get paid eventually. So i woke up at ten, haven't eaten, planning on tanning in a minute. I'm gonna look gross in my swimsuit. FUCK. Water only today i hope. I need to stop acting like me failing every day is okay. It's not at all. I need to stop expecting it.
Well, time to get some sun on my paper white skin.

Alright so, I appreciate the comments and thanks to them/you all, I have called yesterday a transition day into being really serious about this again. Now that its summer I have to go by a different approach. I lost all my weight in like september/october and got down to 100 pounds.. I looked a little sick then, but at 110 i looked almost ideal. However, as the weather warms up i feel my tactics on losing weight aren't working the same. Anyone else find its easier to loose in the winter? Well anyway my new thing is to make popsicles ( i bought a popsicle tray thing) Out of anything 0/minimal calories. So far its working really well. I did have breakfast today of an apple and a 100 calorie whole wheat english muffin. That was at like 6 this morning. The only thing i've had so far besides that is a coffee popsicle that i made. I think this might work really well. My allergies are getting really bad though. Yesterday my eyes were itchy as hell and i keep getting nosebleeds (thats what woke me up at six in the morning) I hate summer. I'm a winter person, I miss it very much. OH guess who gets paid tonight!!!!!!! me me me me me me. I'm not allowed to spend any of it until i loose at least three pounds and not allowed to buy that bag i want until i loose five. So no food. NONE for the rest of the day.
Anyway, how bout a little thinspo?

I feel like vomiting. Too bad i can't, hah. Uhm. Yeah Puppet made me split some burger with her at mcdonalds. I wasn't interested in it but guess what. I ate it anyway! YEAH! :D !!! no. I had cereal this morning because i needed to be able to think for finals and then i had a 150 calorie cookie. why? I don't know. Then, when i got home at 1 me and puppet got the mcdonalds and then we went to jewel because i wanted straws and needed bandaids. While i was getting bandaids i was in the aisle with diet shit. Has anyone ever tried any of the pills and stuff? like i don't know but i think it could possibly just help. Like the xenadrine and stuff? I'd like to know if anyone has any insight on whether or not it works. It seems dangerous but you know.. I'm not opposed to trying it if someone's had good results.

Anyway puppet made me buy her Swedish fish (the big bag) and i had too many.. So then i accidentally on purpose spilled the rest of the bag. :) . And we walked around for a while in the extreme heat, but then her boyfriend/my ex boyfriend (what a bitch i know) called and wanted to hangout with her and she was like yes! oh, wanna come ?

UH no i do not want to go hangout with you and my exboyfriend whom you are now dating you fucking whore. Gah, a lot of shit's been going on with her lately. Like shes being a real bitch now that my sisters home.

What the helllllll.

I go to work at four. My stomach hurts really bad from eating so much.

FUCK >:|



uh. so i'm not eating for the rest of the week. You probably don't think i can do it because i haven't had a successful day since starting this blog. I am definitely going to do good the rest of the week. Fuck if i care what anyone thinks about it. Fuck.


-sorry about the language, Nova.