Life moves


Oh My...

So I hadn't eaten anything the past like three days. Then tonight.. I got home from work early at 9 instead of 11 30 so i couldn't just go to sleep. Then my Mother called me from the kitchen... Guess what was waiting for me? Chopped salad, French Fries, and a chocolate cake shake from portillos. Ho-Lee Fuck. No no no no no. turned into a bingefuckfestival. well sorta. I had the whole milkshake. Which is the bad part and then like a quarter of the salad and like 5-6 smallish fries. I mean not bad if its considered a binge. But bad in general/ calorie wise. But damn i have been doing so good lately and i get all the bad side effects but i'm no longer losing? this happens to me a lot though. Like even when i've been eating normal for a while and i'm weighing like a shit ton and then i start limiting a lot i just don't lose anything.. Its fucked. Uh-uhm, today though i did quite a lot of exercise and like i said i hadnt eaten anything till tonight and the last two days. So yay for that but i'm like 117 again. GAG. Why? And i feel like fat still? like usually when i get down this low i feel a lot skinnier but like.. nope. Maybe i have lost muscle and i have more fat than usual because last year i didn't do any sports? so maybe i like lost some muscle and made room for fat and that fucking sucks cock. fuck. anyway i'm going to be strong and not eat anything tomorrow because i have to be ready for camp. camp camp... camp..
i fucking cant wait. but i wont be able to post while i'm there. So after sunday i will be absent from blogger for a week.



Finally weighed myself this morning. 115!!!!!!! oh my. I am so happy. I don't really see much change in the mirror though? Maybe its because i've been wearing like sweatpants and my sisters baggy clothes. I just haven't felt like getting myself ready. But 115! I'm so happy. Short post, Its fathers day.



What Makes Women Attractive:

"Catwalk models are selected because they display clothes well first and foremost, not because they are sexy. If you look at the girls in magazines like Playboy, Maxim and FHM (the kind who look really good naked), that's where you see what most men really like when it comes to women: a good amount of "fat", especially around the breasts and buttocks. To me and to all the guys I know, a 116 lbs. 6ft girl has a body that basically looks like a particularly tall, thin, pre-pubescent boy. Sure, catwalk models look beautiful in the same way a painting is beautiful, but they don't look sexy and they don't typically look good naked. Why, as a non-pedophilic straight guy, would I ever be attracted to a tall thin boy rather than a curvy sexy woman? The problem with fashion magazines is that women assume that's what guys like, when in reality, men's magazines (like the ones I mentioned before) and pornography are the best indicators of what guys really like since those magazines first and foremost put women on the cover who men find attractive, not who fashion designers (who are usually not sexually attracted to women in the least) find attractive."

I found this in the comments on an article i stumbled across.

It's interesting. The comments are funny.

-Thank you all for the supportive comments relating to the loss of my dog. I miss her very much which is why this post is so short and not very personal. I haven't weighed myself in about a week and I haven't been very strict about my calories but i can't bring myself to really care about it yet.



Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days. My dog was getting really sick (Pancreatic Cancer) She was only five. On the 16th we had to put her down. She was my dog not like a family dog. I miss her a lot and i've been really upset about it. I have to go to a work meeting in a couple minutes so i just wanted to post real quick to let you know what was going on.



Against the plan

Today did not go as i had hoped. Fasting turned into a bingefest for me and I had one of my bad days (have had Bipolar for about a year). Hardly moved from the couch all day so that was a terrible lack of exercise. Puppet is being a bitch, I have a headache, and i want to sleep but i have a pile of laundry to fold on my bed before i can sleep on it. Tomorrow I'm going to run in the morning and then later go and hangout with an old friend who i really really miss after a bad falling out this past fall (We'll call her Ms. A) Also a friend of mine who i met from puppet, who we'll call J, asked me if i'd like to come over sometime. I'm very excited except i fear I've gained weight back. Maybe i'm just retaining water or something? I dont know but i'm worried i feel fatter than normal right now. Whatever I'll just fast tomorrow because today was fucked.

Makes sense to a girl who cries at least twice a day, cause she's unhappy.

Fasting today because i ate an ungodly amount yesterday.
:) Helps wonderfully that i got up at 12.
If today goes well maybe i'll fast tomorrow too?

Your eyes today will see the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth:


Put me back in my place and then one day I might live again

This morning has already been a struggle. I saw that I'm down to 118 and that made me really happy of course, but whenever i feel like I'm doing good I think it makes me think that its okay to eat a little more. That's how i gain it back. So after weighing myself I went down to the kitchen and had 100 calorie breakfast and a 40 calorie coffee w/ milk. Why did i feel it was okay to do that? Because I'm down to 118 that's why. Ten more pounds to go to be at my ideal weight. And i would like to achieve that by July second at the latest which will be the last day of my film camp. So at least I think While at camp it will be really really easy not to eat a lot. I can just skip breakfast or something and not eat at lunch, pretending my tum hurts, and i can skip dinner. Really it should be great. Plus I'll be pretty active all day unlike my usual lounging around the house act i've been putting on for the last month.

Anyway just thought I'd inform you of my tiny bit of success and then my small breakfast attempt at undoing it.

My favorite piece of model thinspo:

I'd be delighted, but I'm running out of life.

Lately, I think, a lot of us could use a little inspiration.

So I bought a bunch of movies tonight including one of my favorites, Underworld.
Eventually I will attain all three of the current movies and the future fourth (2011)
Anyway Kate Beckinsale is 119 lbs and 5' 8" with a BMI of 18.1 I think that makes her adequate thinspo, well she does it for me.


Haha.. Ha...

Mother: "Have you gained weight?"
Me: "Who, me?"
Mother: "Yeah you're face is looking fuller lately"
Dad: "Jesus, Dawn, Now she won't eat for the next month"
Me: "Oh, I dont care."
five minutes later I head up to my room and freak the fuck out.

WHAT? My own mother?
I have gained weight. I'm also bloated you fuck so leave me alone.

WELL, I'm not eating tomorrow and thats that. So fuck you. Fucking hell.
SHIT. How can i let myself be a fat cow.. what the hell.
Alright time for some inspiration.


The Time

Of the month.. Mine is now. It makes me feel supremely fat. I bloat just about everywhere. My legs and my tum mostly. Its sick.
I don't even want to talk about it. Going for a run with puppet.

sd;jkfa;lsjkdfl;ajksdf;'las fuck.


Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree, I Sold You and You Sold Me.

Hah. So this summer I am very excited because after my film camp I'm going with my family to spend three weeks in russia! YAY! I'm like 70% Russian. I only speak a little bit but i love the culture and the history. Anyway I want to go there thin. My plan is working well I'm down to 122 :D But yesterday wasn't a great day because at like 11 at night i had half of a blueberry bagel. What the hell? I'm not quitting my plan because eating only once a day in the middle of the day seems to do okay if i don't stay up late.

I have been doing some thinking though. I know, how productive of me :). Anyway, has anyone ever tried only eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're the least bit full? I think I might try this while I'm in Russia since i wont be able to just not eat while on vacation. Eating only when I'm literally physically hungry and not just craving or bored would be like.. really smart though. I think it would be healthier too, than just not eating or chewing and spitting which i want to stop doing..
Well I have to go out to lunch today with my father and mother to better discuss our plans for vacation. It will be difficult :| Not sure where we're going.

Just wanted to update you
-No Vuh. haha ?


I'd die in your arms if you were dead too.

Last night was hell at work. I had to work cash booth, where i take orders and money at drive thru. That fucking sucks. Plus you know i got paid, but it was only like 60 dollars because of how their system works. so my next paycheck should be like a lot. However i don't know when i get it because it's closing before the next wednesday. Whatever as long as i get paid eventually. So i woke up at ten, haven't eaten, planning on tanning in a minute. I'm gonna look gross in my swimsuit. FUCK. Water only today i hope. I need to stop acting like me failing every day is okay. It's not at all. I need to stop expecting it.
Well, time to get some sun on my paper white skin.


Alright so, I appreciate the comments and thanks to them/you all, I have called yesterday a transition day into being really serious about this again. Now that its summer I have to go by a different approach. I lost all my weight in like september/october and got down to 100 pounds.. I looked a little sick then, but at 110 i looked almost ideal. However, as the weather warms up i feel my tactics on losing weight aren't working the same. Anyone else find its easier to loose in the winter? Well anyway my new thing is to make popsicles ( i bought a popsicle tray thing) Out of anything 0/minimal calories. So far its working really well. I did have breakfast today of an apple and a 100 calorie whole wheat english muffin. That was at like 6 this morning. The only thing i've had so far besides that is a coffee popsicle that i made. I think this might work really well. My allergies are getting really bad though. Yesterday my eyes were itchy as hell and i keep getting nosebleeds (thats what woke me up at six in the morning) I hate summer. I'm a winter person, I miss it very much. OH guess who gets paid tonight!!!!!!! me me me me me me. I'm not allowed to spend any of it until i loose at least three pounds and not allowed to buy that bag i want until i loose five. So no food. NONE for the rest of the day.
Anyway, how bout a little thinspo?


I feel like vomiting. Too bad i can't, hah. Uhm. Yeah Puppet made me split some burger with her at mcdonalds. I wasn't interested in it but guess what. I ate it anyway! YEAH! :D !!! no. I had cereal this morning because i needed to be able to think for finals and then i had a 150 calorie cookie. why? I don't know. Then, when i got home at 1 me and puppet got the mcdonalds and then we went to jewel because i wanted straws and needed bandaids. While i was getting bandaids i was in the aisle with diet shit. Has anyone ever tried any of the pills and stuff? like i don't know but i think it could possibly just help. Like the xenadrine and stuff? I'd like to know if anyone has any insight on whether or not it works. It seems dangerous but you know.. I'm not opposed to trying it if someone's had good results.

Anyway puppet made me buy her Swedish fish (the big bag) and i had too many.. So then i accidentally on purpose spilled the rest of the bag. :) . And we walked around for a while in the extreme heat, but then her boyfriend/my ex boyfriend (what a bitch i know) called and wanted to hangout with her and she was like yes! oh, wanna come ?

UH no i do not want to go hangout with you and my exboyfriend whom you are now dating you fucking whore. Gah, a lot of shit's been going on with her lately. Like shes being a real bitch now that my sisters home.

What the helllllll.

I go to work at four. My stomach hurts really bad from eating so much.

FUCK >:|

uh. so i'm not eating for the rest of the week. You probably don't think i can do it because i haven't had a successful day since starting this blog. I am definitely going to do good the rest of the week. Fuck if i care what anyone thinks about it. Fuck.

-sorry about the language, Nova.