Life moves


Oh My...

So I hadn't eaten anything the past like three days. Then tonight.. I got home from work early at 9 instead of 11 30 so i couldn't just go to sleep. Then my Mother called me from the kitchen... Guess what was waiting for me? Chopped salad, French Fries, and a chocolate cake shake from portillos. Ho-Lee Fuck. No no no no no. turned into a bingefuckfestival. well sorta. I had the whole milkshake. Which is the bad part and then like a quarter of the salad and like 5-6 smallish fries. I mean not bad if its considered a binge. But bad in general/ calorie wise. But damn i have been doing so good lately and i get all the bad side effects but i'm no longer losing? this happens to me a lot though. Like even when i've been eating normal for a while and i'm weighing like a shit ton and then i start limiting a lot i just don't lose anything.. Its fucked. Uh-uhm, today though i did quite a lot of exercise and like i said i hadnt eaten anything till tonight and the last two days. So yay for that but i'm like 117 again. GAG. Why? And i feel like fat still? like usually when i get down this low i feel a lot skinnier but like.. nope. Maybe i have lost muscle and i have more fat than usual because last year i didn't do any sports? so maybe i like lost some muscle and made room for fat and that fucking sucks cock. fuck. anyway i'm going to be strong and not eat anything tomorrow because i have to be ready for camp. camp camp... camp..
i fucking cant wait. but i wont be able to post while i'm there. So after sunday i will be absent from blogger for a week.



Finally weighed myself this morning. 115!!!!!!! oh my. I am so happy. I don't really see much change in the mirror though? Maybe its because i've been wearing like sweatpants and my sisters baggy clothes. I just haven't felt like getting myself ready. But 115! I'm so happy. Short post, Its fathers day.



What Makes Women Attractive:

"Catwalk models are selected because they display clothes well first and foremost, not because they are sexy. If you look at the girls in magazines like Playboy, Maxim and FHM (the kind who look really good naked), that's where you see what most men really like when it comes to women: a good amount of "fat", especially around the breasts and buttocks. To me and to all the guys I know, a 116 lbs. 6ft girl has a body that basically looks like a particularly tall, thin, pre-pubescent boy. Sure, catwalk models look beautiful in the same way a painting is beautiful, but they don't look sexy and they don't typically look good naked. Why, as a non-pedophilic straight guy, would I ever be attracted to a tall thin boy rather than a curvy sexy woman? The problem with fashion magazines is that women assume that's what guys like, when in reality, men's magazines (like the ones I mentioned before) and pornography are the best indicators of what guys really like since those magazines first and foremost put women on the cover who men find attractive, not who fashion designers (who are usually not sexually attracted to women in the least) find attractive."

I found this in the comments on an article i stumbled across.

It's interesting. The comments are funny.

-Thank you all for the supportive comments relating to the loss of my dog. I miss her very much which is why this post is so short and not very personal. I haven't weighed myself in about a week and I haven't been very strict about my calories but i can't bring myself to really care about it yet.



Sorry I haven't posted in a couple days. My dog was getting really sick (Pancreatic Cancer) She was only five. On the 16th we had to put her down. She was my dog not like a family dog. I miss her a lot and i've been really upset about it. I have to go to a work meeting in a couple minutes so i just wanted to post real quick to let you know what was going on.



Against the plan

Today did not go as i had hoped. Fasting turned into a bingefest for me and I had one of my bad days (have had Bipolar for about a year). Hardly moved from the couch all day so that was a terrible lack of exercise. Puppet is being a bitch, I have a headache, and i want to sleep but i have a pile of laundry to fold on my bed before i can sleep on it. Tomorrow I'm going to run in the morning and then later go and hangout with an old friend who i really really miss after a bad falling out this past fall (We'll call her Ms. A) Also a friend of mine who i met from puppet, who we'll call J, asked me if i'd like to come over sometime. I'm very excited except i fear I've gained weight back. Maybe i'm just retaining water or something? I dont know but i'm worried i feel fatter than normal right now. Whatever I'll just fast tomorrow because today was fucked.

Makes sense to a girl who cries at least twice a day, cause she's unhappy.

Fasting today because i ate an ungodly amount yesterday.
:) Helps wonderfully that i got up at 12.
If today goes well maybe i'll fast tomorrow too?

Your eyes today will see the most beautiful creature to ever walk this earth:


Put me back in my place and then one day I might live again

This morning has already been a struggle. I saw that I'm down to 118 and that made me really happy of course, but whenever i feel like I'm doing good I think it makes me think that its okay to eat a little more. That's how i gain it back. So after weighing myself I went down to the kitchen and had 100 calorie breakfast and a 40 calorie coffee w/ milk. Why did i feel it was okay to do that? Because I'm down to 118 that's why. Ten more pounds to go to be at my ideal weight. And i would like to achieve that by July second at the latest which will be the last day of my film camp. So at least I think While at camp it will be really really easy not to eat a lot. I can just skip breakfast or something and not eat at lunch, pretending my tum hurts, and i can skip dinner. Really it should be great. Plus I'll be pretty active all day unlike my usual lounging around the house act i've been putting on for the last month.

Anyway just thought I'd inform you of my tiny bit of success and then my small breakfast attempt at undoing it.

My favorite piece of model thinspo:

I'd be delighted, but I'm running out of life.

Lately, I think, a lot of us could use a little inspiration.

So I bought a bunch of movies tonight including one of my favorites, Underworld.
Eventually I will attain all three of the current movies and the future fourth (2011)
Anyway Kate Beckinsale is 119 lbs and 5' 8" with a BMI of 18.1 I think that makes her adequate thinspo, well she does it for me.


Haha.. Ha...

Mother: "Have you gained weight?"
Me: "Who, me?"
Mother: "Yeah you're face is looking fuller lately"
Dad: "Jesus, Dawn, Now she won't eat for the next month"
Me: "Oh, I dont care."
five minutes later I head up to my room and freak the fuck out.

WHAT? My own mother?
I have gained weight. I'm also bloated you fuck so leave me alone.

WELL, I'm not eating tomorrow and thats that. So fuck you. Fucking hell.
SHIT. How can i let myself be a fat cow.. what the hell.
Alright time for some inspiration.


The Time

Of the month.. Mine is now. It makes me feel supremely fat. I bloat just about everywhere. My legs and my tum mostly. Its sick.
I don't even want to talk about it. Going for a run with puppet.

sd;jkfa;lsjkdfl;ajksdf;'las fuck.


Under The Spreading Chestnut Tree, I Sold You and You Sold Me.

Hah. So this summer I am very excited because after my film camp I'm going with my family to spend three weeks in russia! YAY! I'm like 70% Russian. I only speak a little bit but i love the culture and the history. Anyway I want to go there thin. My plan is working well I'm down to 122 :D But yesterday wasn't a great day because at like 11 at night i had half of a blueberry bagel. What the hell? I'm not quitting my plan because eating only once a day in the middle of the day seems to do okay if i don't stay up late.

I have been doing some thinking though. I know, how productive of me :). Anyway, has anyone ever tried only eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're the least bit full? I think I might try this while I'm in Russia since i wont be able to just not eat while on vacation. Eating only when I'm literally physically hungry and not just craving or bored would be like.. really smart though. I think it would be healthier too, than just not eating or chewing and spitting which i want to stop doing..
Well I have to go out to lunch today with my father and mother to better discuss our plans for vacation. It will be difficult :| Not sure where we're going.

Just wanted to update you
-No Vuh. haha ?


I'd die in your arms if you were dead too.

Last night was hell at work. I had to work cash booth, where i take orders and money at drive thru. That fucking sucks. Plus you know i got paid, but it was only like 60 dollars because of how their system works. so my next paycheck should be like a lot. However i don't know when i get it because it's closing before the next wednesday. Whatever as long as i get paid eventually. So i woke up at ten, haven't eaten, planning on tanning in a minute. I'm gonna look gross in my swimsuit. FUCK. Water only today i hope. I need to stop acting like me failing every day is okay. It's not at all. I need to stop expecting it.
Well, time to get some sun on my paper white skin.


Alright so, I appreciate the comments and thanks to them/you all, I have called yesterday a transition day into being really serious about this again. Now that its summer I have to go by a different approach. I lost all my weight in like september/october and got down to 100 pounds.. I looked a little sick then, but at 110 i looked almost ideal. However, as the weather warms up i feel my tactics on losing weight aren't working the same. Anyone else find its easier to loose in the winter? Well anyway my new thing is to make popsicles ( i bought a popsicle tray thing) Out of anything 0/minimal calories. So far its working really well. I did have breakfast today of an apple and a 100 calorie whole wheat english muffin. That was at like 6 this morning. The only thing i've had so far besides that is a coffee popsicle that i made. I think this might work really well. My allergies are getting really bad though. Yesterday my eyes were itchy as hell and i keep getting nosebleeds (thats what woke me up at six in the morning) I hate summer. I'm a winter person, I miss it very much. OH guess who gets paid tonight!!!!!!! me me me me me me. I'm not allowed to spend any of it until i loose at least three pounds and not allowed to buy that bag i want until i loose five. So no food. NONE for the rest of the day.
Anyway, how bout a little thinspo?


I feel like vomiting. Too bad i can't, hah. Uhm. Yeah Puppet made me split some burger with her at mcdonalds. I wasn't interested in it but guess what. I ate it anyway! YEAH! :D !!! no. I had cereal this morning because i needed to be able to think for finals and then i had a 150 calorie cookie. why? I don't know. Then, when i got home at 1 me and puppet got the mcdonalds and then we went to jewel because i wanted straws and needed bandaids. While i was getting bandaids i was in the aisle with diet shit. Has anyone ever tried any of the pills and stuff? like i don't know but i think it could possibly just help. Like the xenadrine and stuff? I'd like to know if anyone has any insight on whether or not it works. It seems dangerous but you know.. I'm not opposed to trying it if someone's had good results.

Anyway puppet made me buy her Swedish fish (the big bag) and i had too many.. So then i accidentally on purpose spilled the rest of the bag. :) . And we walked around for a while in the extreme heat, but then her boyfriend/my ex boyfriend (what a bitch i know) called and wanted to hangout with her and she was like yes! oh, wanna come ?

UH no i do not want to go hangout with you and my exboyfriend whom you are now dating you fucking whore. Gah, a lot of shit's been going on with her lately. Like shes being a real bitch now that my sisters home.

What the helllllll.

I go to work at four. My stomach hurts really bad from eating so much.

FUCK >:|

uh. so i'm not eating for the rest of the week. You probably don't think i can do it because i haven't had a successful day since starting this blog. I am definitely going to do good the rest of the week. Fuck if i care what anyone thinks about it. Fuck.

-sorry about the language, Nova.


I'm just, I'm just really fat!

So, yay for being a fucking fat heifer. I am choosing not to tell you how much i've eaten today on account of it being really really fucking sad. Instead I will plan out the rest of my week. Hopefully the rest of my week does not involve food or much food. I've decided that i have 30 minutes each day that i can eat. I can't eat before that and I can't eat after. I should pick the time but i haven't decided. Uhm, but yeah my stomach hurts from eating so much. holy fuck i'm fat.

I will eat once a day. I will only eat at 3:00- 3:30 pm.
I will not eat if i am by myself.
I will not eat if i am not at home.
I will not eat more than 250 calories.
I will not eat unhealthy food.
I will be thin.

You know i should think of some rewards.



I'll pass like a fever from this body, and softly slip into his hands.

I'm trying desperately not to eat. I woke up much earlier than expected so i had coffee and some of my small bottle of soy milk in it. Then i had a small bowl of cereal :| damn breakfast. Just fuck it. Then i had some chips and salsa. why? i don't know it was homemade salsa and it was fucking good. Uhm. I want more chips and salsa but i don't want to let myself have them. I haven't weighed myself in a long time. cause well, I know it's going to be bad.
I wish i could make myself puke. Like that would be awesome. I wouldn't do it a lot, just when i accidentally binged uncontrollably. I can never never make myself puke. NEVER. It sucks i have tried everything. Whatever I'll post again later. Or maybe not. I got to work at four and don't get home till ten.


Behind the boney walls of my skull, there was playing a lullaby

So I didn't post last night because i was like dead tired and disappointed at how much i had eaten. I had two blt's on wheat bread. Today wasn't much better. It was the Greek Festival so i ate a whole giant serving of pastitsio (1st picture) It's really fucking good. And then i had a roll and half and a bunch of these little honey fried balls of dough and a cookie and a baklava (2nd picture). And I ate breakfast this morning which, I'm telling you, is definitely the key to eating a lot all day long- for me at least.

Other than that, I'm having really bad allergies and i've been working a lot lately which helps in multiple ways. I can't eat while i'm there and i never ask for any food on my break because i'm grossed out by it. Secondly, it helps because i'm standing for like 5-7 hours and running around doing things. PLUS! I get paid on wednesday and i don't work on monday or thursday but i do work on tuesday and wednesday but whatever my paycheck should be like 200- something dollars. FUCKYES! i'm going shopping.
I want a mini trampoline. haha. why you ask? because i do. And there's this bag i want at this cute vintage thrift shop that is actually not vintage or pre-owned its brand new and when i get it i will show a picture. yay! Anyway, i want to sleep in late tomorrow because i work at four and the less time i spend at home the better chance i have at not eating at all. I won't eat when i get home because I work till ten. So if i sleep till like noon i shouldn't have too much of a problem.

OH! i found these awesome popsicles that are only 80 cals for like the big sized popsicles and they are really really good. Plus they take a while to eat. I could just have one of those tomorrow and a glass of vanilla soy milk and be good all day. okay thats the plan.
-This was long but i didn't post yesterday so i'm telling myself it's okay.

Sincerely, Nova.


The toothless kiss of skeletons

I don't know why but I don't think that eating breakfast and having food every four hours is good for everyone. Like me, if I even touch food in the morning i want more all day and if i have lunch it doesn't make me eat less at my next "meal." Breakfast is suppose to keep you full for a while or so they say so that you don't overeat at lunch. Lunch is suppose to do the same for dinner. Nope. Not me. I can't even have milk in my coffee otherwise I eat all damn day. Today was just a terrible day, I'm replacing my cheat sunday with today and sunday will be good because i work from four to ten on sunday and i'll try to sleep late and do really good that day. Monday i have off of school and two weeks off of work because they're moving a couple blocks over. Fuck i have finals tomorrow. "F.uck I. N.ever A.ctually L.earned S.hit" It's gay but it's true. I'm exhausted so, I'll be going now. G'night.

"I wanna new face right now
and I want it bad
I wanna new body that's strong
I'm a butchered cow

I wanna be a stupid and shallow mutherfucker now
I wanna be a tough skinned bitch but I don't know how
I wanna be a shiny new baby with a spongy brain
I wanna be a horse filled with fire that will never tame"
-Pig, Sparklehorse.

Now, this band is beautiful and special. You should feel privileged to look upon their lyrics let alone their name.

-"I really like this tattoo."
Sincerely, Nova.


I touch no one and no one touches me

Today was.. I don't know. School was fine, I had a bite of lettuce from Puppets sandwich. When i got home at three my sister had made some fruit cobbler, I had a few bites (kind of many bites) whatever it wasn't that bad i dont think.. I had to get ready and go to work at BK. I was standing for six hours straight and doing a bunch of stuff also like cleaning and bagging food and taking orders and wiping tables. I learned so much stuff tonight (first day ever) I didn't eat anything on my break. I only drank a diet coke the whole time and I didn't eat when i got home. I took a shower because i smelled of burgers and grease. I'm tired as hell now though. My feet hurt so fucking bad. I don't have work tomorrow but i'm going to mow the lawn for my dad for some extra exercise plus he pays me so why not? As long as its not rainy or too extremely hot. Uhm My mother owes me 30$ and my dad owes me 15 i think maybe 10 but anyway i want my money so i can go shopping. There is this really cute vintage thrift shop that i love and i want a couple of things from there.
-I had a moment at work, while things were slow and I had nothing to do. In this moment I was thinking about my life, recently and the summer. I realized that last summer I had a lot of friends and a couple of boyfriends throughout the summer (not all at once) and this summer, I will have no one but my sister and Puppet. I get so empty and lost when i have time to think. If you want to know exactly how My life is and My person just read the lyrics and listen to simon and garfunkel's "I am a rock"
I love simon and garfunkel and it seems like they wrote this song as if they were me.

yadayada i don't want to bored you.. This has been long enough anyway.



Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

Today did not go as i planned.( see previous post for plans) When i got home at about 3 I ate spoonfuls of peanut butter and a piece of white bread. It's despicable how i am so non-disiplined. Then I went to work and it lasted two hours and I thought it would be a lot shorter (Tons of paper work) So i didn't get to go shopping. Good news: I work six hours tomorrow, i got paid for the two hours i was there doing paper work, and I fit into my uniform which was the smallest sized they had. Woot, StickBoss was there looking frail as ever. Some more bad news: IATESOMUCHTODAY. When i got home from work i had to go out and buy slip-proof ugly shoes and then we had to stop at petsmart and buy kitty food for my sisters new kitten and my mom bought me skittles.. I ate them all on the way home. THEN she ordered fucking pizza and it was good i ate too much, didn't count the pieces and i ate fast which is always a no-no. Then i ate a cookie and the half of cookie that my sister didn't eat. Let me tell you a little about my sister. She is not thin, she is not fat, she is muscular to the extreme which yes, on her short frame makes her look chubby but her thighs (thundery, no doubt) are made of steel or something equally as strong. She's beautiful though, and the family favorite. The only thing i could ever do better than her is be thin, which i am using as motivation and right now i'm not even doing that very well, she is only two sizes bigger than me. TWO THATS IT. She is 19 and about an inch or two shorter than me. I'm fat and its depressing. Tomorrow will be a fasting day? I think so, anyone have any great tips for staying strong on a 24 hour fast? They would be much appreciated.

I wish i had those legs.
-Nasty Nova.

My bones wish to escape

Today Will Be Zero.

I don't want to have to come back and change this..
I will go to school
I will come home and get ready
I will go to burger king - for work.
I will come home
I will leave and go shopping with my sister
I will stay there as long as possible
I will come home and not eat
I will shower
I will sleep.

thats it!


Straight Up Mentally Unstable

So today was a half and half day because it started out good other than feeling weak and failing my physics test. When I came home I at half of a peanut butter and honey sandwich on toasted wheat bread. Damn. Then I got ready for my seconds interview at burger king. This extremely skinny girl who's name i will keep anonymous we'll go with StickBoss. I chose that because she is now my boss. Yes i got a job. I will probably be really grossed out by food at this job. Hopefully that will aide in my weight loss. Possibly? Oh and some bullshit: somehow i gained two pounds. what the fuck? I'm not going to change my "stats" though because i'm gonna get rid of it hopefully relatively soon. FUCK. Then i was dragged out to dinner to thai food which i love and i had pineapple fried rice and a scoop of green tea ice cream. Damn you delicious foods. OH and i went to try on black pants that i will need for work. I almost fit into size 1 but the size three fit perfect.
EW. SIZE THREE? yes thats right T H R E E. fuck that shit.
Part two of the retched physics test tomorrow. I can't wait till summer. It's so soon. One week left.
Anyway would you like to see what I want to look like sometime in my life?

Here you go:


Ana's Thinspiration | Thin is beautiful

Ana's Thinspiration | Thin is beautiful

Nobody gives a fuck, it doesn't change the fact that you suck.

Guess who's fat? ME! Uh, so once a week (sundays) I allow myself to eat (for real, no spitting). Wanna know everything i've eaten today? That would be gross to say. I might tell you. But i did do some physical activity, which is not a normal occurrence. (I don't know how i still look muscular, been a gymnast my whole life till recently) It's hotter than hell in my damn room. I think i burnt like 500 extra calories today. That's good news since i probably ingested about 1,000 or more. Usually i don't go above 400. I hate being fat. Like why is it that i have to be fat while there are supermodels who get to be stick thin and like ten feet tall. I have physics test tomorrow and tuesday. Thats how long the test is. TWODAYSOFIT. Then i have to get ready for finals? NO? Ehh. Just took a look at my legs. Man I'm gross. My life sucks. under 200 tomorrow? yessss. lets try.
Really wanna know all i ate today?

2 snickers ice cream bars
3 tbs peanut butter
1 apple
1/3 of a whole pineapple
1 1/2 cups of pasta with butter and salt only
2 mini boxes of cereal (no milk)
2 cups of ice cream (mint)


anyway to lighten the worlds spirits, they were born:

I wish I could eat the salt off of your lost faded lips.

I had the idea this morning, while i stared at the cookies in the kitchen and drank my coffee. It was less of an idea and more of a "oh yeah i forgot" No one who might stumble across this blog would understand the background of my craziness. So I'll explain a couple of things. I'm a very isolated person, I didn't used to be though. Not sure what happened. I don't care about anything. I don't like eating, well thats a lie i guess. I would love to eat and eat and eat but I don't wish to weight 130 pounds ever again. That was after my couple of months of weighing 100. I was sent to a therapist and my meals were structured. I don't like being told what to do, but i did come out of my no-food mode. Just recently I have been trying to lose those 20 or so pounds and be content with my weight. I am very muscular so I don't look like I'm 120 pounds at most i probably look 115. Anyway, that was a long list of likes so I will tell you some things i do like: Reading, Grey, Cinema, History (except U.S. history), Math, Music, Writing.
I do most things in a very logical way. Also, I love thinspo, fashion and models. I sound pathetic, my life is boring, I'm a difficult person, I have one best friend who also suffers from disordered eating. She is my only good friend, other than her i just have acquaintances. We plan on both going to college in chicago, she is one year younger than me though. I won't give her identity away but lets just call her Puppet because she often tells me how much she just feels like a puppet. In the future we will live in an apartment together in chicago. My future will be grand, to me anyway.

Until later,


It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.

My sister got a kitten today. I'm listening to Grateful Dead, daydreaming of my future studio apartment in chicago. I know everyone thinks New York is the epitome of happiness for anyone the least bit abstract but, chicago is my love.
Anyway, I interviewed at Burger King today. I felt like i didn't belong there because quite frankly I don't. I belong in a job much less grody than that. I felt dirty even applying, fast food is disgusting. Whatever, I just need some damn money. I'm sick of having nothing of my own. Most kids love that their parents pay for everything, and my parents do, but it's not what i want. I want to pay for myself. I don't know. There was also a very creepy bus-boy there. He freaked me out.

Back to my sisters new cat- kitten. She wants to name him munchkin. I think he should be named Kelby, or Lev. There was a flat out no to Lev. Its a good Russian name but, apparently I'm the only one who is proud of my origin.

Why's it so fucking hot in here. I'm dehydrated. I should stop complaining.

More thinspo? yeahyeah:


I Just Love You

I don't partake in the normal binge where the human stuffs themselves until the point where (bulimic) vomiting occurs or laxatives are taken. My binges.. well being EDNOS I make a plate, sometimes plateS, of food. Once i take the food to my bedroom, or dining room if no one is home, I chew and spit into brown paper bags and plastic sandwich baggies. Now i understand that to most people this is absolutely disgusting. However, going on little food makes me weak to my cravings so i have to at least taste. Normally i can't stop after the taste so in order to not get morbidly obese i chew and spit. It's marvelous because I have a problem, doughnuts, bread, and cookies. I also love peanut butter but seldom use it on my binge foods because its stickiness makes it hard to spit. Sorry if I grossed you out already with my second post. My apologies. How 'bout some thinspo to make it up to you?


First time blogging. Can't say much about it from my limited time spent experiencing it. Maybe I'll tell anyone who might stumble across this some things about me? Well, maybe later.