I'm just, I'm just really fat!

So, yay for being a fucking fat heifer. I am choosing not to tell you how much i've eaten today on account of it being really really fucking sad. Instead I will plan out the rest of my week. Hopefully the rest of my week does not involve food or much food. I've decided that i have 30 minutes each day that i can eat. I can't eat before that and I can't eat after. I should pick the time but i haven't decided. Uhm, but yeah my stomach hurts from eating so much. holy fuck i'm fat.

I will eat once a day. I will only eat at 3:00- 3:30 pm.
I will not eat if i am by myself.
I will not eat if i am not at home.
I will not eat more than 250 calories.
I will not eat unhealthy food.
I will be thin.

You know i should think of some rewards.

-Nova.

I'll pass like a fever from this body, and softly slip into his hands.

I'm trying desperately not to eat. I woke up much earlier than expected so i had coffee and some of my small bottle of soy milk in it. Then i had a small bowl of cereal :| damn breakfast. Just fuck it. Then i had some chips and salsa. why? i don't know it was homemade salsa and it was fucking good. Uhm. I want more chips and salsa but i don't want to let myself have them. I haven't weighed myself in a long time. cause well, I know it's going to be bad.
I wish i could make myself puke. Like that would be awesome. I wouldn't do it a lot, just when i accidentally binged uncontrollably. I can never never make myself puke. NEVER. It sucks i have tried everything. Whatever I'll post again later. Or maybe not. I got to work at four and don't get home till ten.

Behind the boney walls of my skull, there was playing a lullaby

So I didn't post last night because i was like dead tired and disappointed at how much i had eaten. I had two blt's on wheat bread. Today wasn't much better. It was the Greek Festival so i ate a whole giant serving of pastitsio (1st picture) It's really fucking good. And then i had a roll and half and a bunch of these little honey fried balls of dough and a cookie and a baklava (2nd picture). And I ate breakfast this morning which, I'm telling you, is definitely the key to eating a lot all day long- for me at least.

Other than that, I'm having really bad allergies and i've been working a lot lately which helps in multiple ways. I can't eat while i'm there and i never ask for any food on my break because i'm grossed out by it. Secondly, it helps because i'm standing for like 5-7 hours and running around doing things. PLUS! I get paid on wednesday and i don't work on monday or thursday but i do work on tuesday and wednesday but whatever my paycheck should be like 200- something dollars. FUCKYES! i'm going shopping.
I want a mini trampoline. haha. why you ask? because i do. And there's this bag i want at this cute vintage thrift shop that is actually not vintage or pre-owned its brand new and when i get it i will show a picture. yay! Anyway, i want to sleep in late tomorrow because i work at four and the less time i spend at home the better chance i have at not eating at all. I won't eat when i get home because I work till ten. So if i sleep till like noon i shouldn't have too much of a problem.

OH! i found these awesome popsicles that are only 80 cals for like the big sized popsicles and they are really really good. Plus they take a while to eat. I could just have one of those tomorrow and a glass of vanilla soy milk and be good all day. okay thats the plan.
-This was long but i didn't post yesterday so i'm telling myself it's okay.


Sincerely, Nova.

The toothless kiss of skeletons

I don't know why but I don't think that eating breakfast and having food every four hours is good for everyone. Like me, if I even touch food in the morning i want more all day and if i have lunch it doesn't make me eat less at my next "meal." Breakfast is suppose to keep you full for a while or so they say so that you don't overeat at lunch. Lunch is suppose to do the same for dinner. Nope. Not me. I can't even have milk in my coffee otherwise I eat all damn day. Today was just a terrible day, I'm replacing my cheat sunday with today and sunday will be good because i work from four to ten on sunday and i'll try to sleep late and do really good that day. Monday i have off of school and two weeks off of work because they're moving a couple blocks over. Fuck i have finals tomorrow. "F.uck I. N.ever A.ctually L.earned S.hit" It's gay but it's true. I'm exhausted so, I'll be going now. G'night.



"I wanna new face right now
and I want it bad
I wanna new body that's strong
I'm a butchered cow

I wanna be a stupid and shallow mutherfucker now
I wanna be a tough skinned bitch but I don't know how
I wanna be a shiny new baby with a spongy brain
I wanna be a horse filled with fire that will never tame"
-Pig, Sparklehorse.

Now, this band is beautiful and special. You should feel privileged to look upon their lyrics let alone their name.


-"I really like this tattoo."
Sincerely, Nova.

I touch no one and no one touches me

Today was.. I don't know. School was fine, I had a bite of lettuce from Puppets sandwich. When i got home at three my sister had made some fruit cobbler, I had a few bites (kind of many bites) whatever it wasn't that bad i dont think.. I had to get ready and go to work at BK. I was standing for six hours straight and doing a bunch of stuff also like cleaning and bagging food and taking orders and wiping tables. I learned so much stuff tonight (first day ever) I didn't eat anything on my break. I only drank a diet coke the whole time and I didn't eat when i got home. I took a shower because i smelled of burgers and grease. I'm tired as hell now though. My feet hurt so fucking bad. I don't have work tomorrow but i'm going to mow the lawn for my dad for some extra exercise plus he pays me so why not? As long as its not rainy or too extremely hot. Uhm My mother owes me 30$ and my dad owes me 15 i think maybe 10 but anyway i want my money so i can go shopping. There is this really cute vintage thrift shop that i love and i want a couple of things from there.
i
-I had a moment at work, while things were slow and I had nothing to do. In this moment I was thinking about my life, recently and the summer. I realized that last summer I had a lot of friends and a couple of boyfriends throughout the summer (not all at once) and this summer, I will have no one but my sister and Puppet. I get so empty and lost when i have time to think. If you want to know exactly how My life is and My person just read the lyrics and listen to simon and garfunkel's "I am a rock"
I love simon and garfunkel and it seems like they wrote this song as if they were me.

yadayada i don't want to bored you.. This has been long enough anyway.









_NOVA_

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.

Today did not go as i planned.( see previous post for plans) When i got home at about 3 I ate spoonfuls of peanut butter and a piece of white bread. It's despicable how i am so non-disiplined. Then I went to work and it lasted two hours and I thought it would be a lot shorter (Tons of paper work) So i didn't get to go shopping. Good news: I work six hours tomorrow, i got paid for the two hours i was there doing paper work, and I fit into my uniform which was the smallest sized they had. Woot, StickBoss was there looking frail as ever. Some more bad news: IATESOMUCHTODAY. When i got home from work i had to go out and buy slip-proof ugly shoes and then we had to stop at petsmart and buy kitty food for my sisters new kitten and my mom bought me skittles.. I ate them all on the way home. THEN she ordered fucking pizza and it was good i ate too much, didn't count the pieces and i ate fast which is always a no-no. Then i ate a cookie and the half of cookie that my sister didn't eat. Let me tell you a little about my sister. She is not thin, she is not fat, she is muscular to the extreme which yes, on her short frame makes her look chubby but her thighs (thundery, no doubt) are made of steel or something equally as strong. She's beautiful though, and the family favorite. The only thing i could ever do better than her is be thin, which i am using as motivation and right now i'm not even doing that very well, she is only two sizes bigger than me. TWO THATS IT. She is 19 and about an inch or two shorter than me. I'm fat and its depressing. Tomorrow will be a fasting day? I think so, anyone have any great tips for staying strong on a 24 hour fast? They would be much appreciated.









I wish i had those legs.
-Nasty Nova.

My bones wish to escape

Today Will Be Zero.


I don't want to have to come back and change this..
I will go to school
I will come home and get ready
I will go to burger king - for work.
I will come home
I will leave and go shopping with my sister
I will stay there as long as possible
I will come home and not eat
I will shower
I will sleep.


thats it!

Straight Up Mentally Unstable

So today was a half and half day because it started out good other than feeling weak and failing my physics test. When I came home I at half of a peanut butter and honey sandwich on toasted wheat bread. Damn. Then I got ready for my seconds interview at burger king. This extremely skinny girl who's name i will keep anonymous we'll go with StickBoss. I chose that because she is now my boss. Yes i got a job. I will probably be really grossed out by food at this job. Hopefully that will aide in my weight loss. Possibly? Oh and some bullshit: somehow i gained two pounds. what the fuck? I'm not going to change my "stats" though because i'm gonna get rid of it hopefully relatively soon. FUCK. Then i was dragged out to dinner to thai food which i love and i had pineapple fried rice and a scoop of green tea ice cream. Damn you delicious foods. OH and i went to try on black pants that i will need for work. I almost fit into size 1 but the size three fit perfect.
EW. SIZE THREE? yes thats right T H R E E. fuck that shit.
Part two of the retched physics test tomorrow. I can't wait till summer. It's so soon. One week left.
Anyway would you like to see what I want to look like sometime in my life?

Here you go:

Ana's Thinspiration | Thin is beautiful

Ana's Thinspiration | Thin is beautiful

Nobody gives a fuck, it doesn't change the fact that you suck.

Guess who's fat? ME! Uh, so once a week (sundays) I allow myself to eat (for real, no spitting). Wanna know everything i've eaten today? That would be gross to say. I might tell you. But i did do some physical activity, which is not a normal occurrence. (I don't know how i still look muscular, been a gymnast my whole life till recently) It's hotter than hell in my damn room. I think i burnt like 500 extra calories today. That's good news since i probably ingested about 1,000 or more. Usually i don't go above 400. I hate being fat. Like why is it that i have to be fat while there are supermodels who get to be stick thin and like ten feet tall. I have physics test tomorrow and tuesday. Thats how long the test is. TWODAYSOFIT. Then i have to get ready for finals? NO? Ehh. Just took a look at my legs. Man I'm gross. My life sucks. under 200 tomorrow? yessss. lets try.
Really wanna know all i ate today?

2 snickers ice cream bars
3 tbs peanut butter
1 apple
1/3 of a whole pineapple
1 1/2 cups of pasta with butter and salt only
2 mini boxes of cereal (no milk)
2 cups of ice cream (mint)

=FAT.

shittttt.
anyway to lighten the worlds spirits, they were born:

I wish I could eat the salt off of your lost faded lips.

I had the idea this morning, while i stared at the cookies in the kitchen and drank my coffee. It was less of an idea and more of a "oh yeah i forgot" No one who might stumble across this blog would understand the background of my craziness. So I'll explain a couple of things. I'm a very isolated person, I didn't used to be though. Not sure what happened. I don't care about anything. I don't like eating, well thats a lie i guess. I would love to eat and eat and eat but I don't wish to weight 130 pounds ever again. That was after my couple of months of weighing 100. I was sent to a therapist and my meals were structured. I don't like being told what to do, but i did come out of my no-food mode. Just recently I have been trying to lose those 20 or so pounds and be content with my weight. I am very muscular so I don't look like I'm 120 pounds at most i probably look 115. Anyway, that was a long list of likes so I will tell you some things i do like: Reading, Grey, Cinema, History (except U.S. history), Math, Music, Writing.
I do most things in a very logical way. Also, I love thinspo, fashion and models. I sound pathetic, my life is boring, I'm a difficult person, I have one best friend who also suffers from disordered eating. She is my only good friend, other than her i just have acquaintances. We plan on both going to college in chicago, she is one year younger than me though. I won't give her identity away but lets just call her Puppet because she often tells me how much she just feels like a puppet. In the future we will live in an apartment together in chicago. My future will be grand, to me anyway.







Until later,
Nova.

It's all a dream we dreamed one afternoon, long ago.

My sister got a kitten today. I'm listening to Grateful Dead, daydreaming of my future studio apartment in chicago. I know everyone thinks New York is the epitome of happiness for anyone the least bit abstract but, chicago is my love.
Anyway, I interviewed at Burger King today. I felt like i didn't belong there because quite frankly I don't. I belong in a job much less grody than that. I felt dirty even applying, fast food is disgusting. Whatever, I just need some damn money. I'm sick of having nothing of my own. Most kids love that their parents pay for everything, and my parents do, but it's not what i want. I want to pay for myself. I don't know. There was also a very creepy bus-boy there. He freaked me out.

Back to my sisters new cat- kitten. She wants to name him munchkin. I think he should be named Kelby, or Lev. There was a flat out no to Lev. Its a good Russian name but, apparently I'm the only one who is proud of my origin.

Why's it so fucking hot in here. I'm dehydrated. I should stop complaining.

More thinspo? yeahyeah:

I Just Love You

I don't partake in the normal binge where the human stuffs themselves until the point where (bulimic) vomiting occurs or laxatives are taken. My binges.. well being EDNOS I make a plate, sometimes plateS, of food. Once i take the food to my bedroom, or dining room if no one is home, I chew and spit into brown paper bags and plastic sandwich baggies. Now i understand that to most people this is absolutely disgusting. However, going on little food makes me weak to my cravings so i have to at least taste. Normally i can't stop after the taste so in order to not get morbidly obese i chew and spit. It's marvelous because I have a problem, doughnuts, bread, and cookies. I also love peanut butter but seldom use it on my binge foods because its stickiness makes it hard to spit. Sorry if I grossed you out already with my second post. My apologies. How 'bout some thinspo to make it up to you?

Oh?

First time blogging. Can't say much about it from my limited time spent experiencing it. Maybe I'll tell anyone who might stumble across this some things about me? Well, maybe later.